In 2000 I was pronounced dead for five minutes, my eyes were set — the death set eyes — open, looking straight up, and there was no pulse.
My husband, Jeff, was in the house at the time and also the R.N. who was taking care of me, as I was very, very ill for many, years. I was standing in the bathroom and I remember being told, “Look at yourself for the last time,” so I looked in the mirror, and I looked right into my eyes. There was no fear or anything like that, it was—just look! Then I turned and reached out for the R.N., who was standing by the door.
The next I remember I was going into a pure white light. My soul was taken into this pure white light; it was the most beautiful, wonderful feeling. Words cannot express this, but I’ll try. It is like going home, and you have been waiting so long. The most beautiful and wonderful feeling of God’s love. This pure white light was God — no sound, no movement, only God; and it was as if my soul was traveling quite fast. My mind, of course, died with my body, so I was experiencing this from my soul, which was going further and further into this pure white light. This light is nothing but love, the love that we have all been longing for. Longing for purity of love, without any judgment of any kind, just a beautiful and sweet love. The further I went, the more and more into the God state I went, and there was nothing but that pure white light of God and His beautiful love. So beautiful is God. Then I heard Meher Baba’s voice and He said to me, “You must go back. Your work isn’t finished, you must go back.” And just like that my soul came back into my body and I opened my eyes.
At the time that I reached for the R.N., she had tried to hold me up, and she said I was dead before I would have ever hit the floor. She called Jeff to come and he laid me out on the floor in the living room and called 911. Dead on arrival. Two ambulances and the fire department came, and all of the men and women were standing there ready to do something, but because I was so long gone, no one had touched me, nothing had been done. Baba brought me back.
As I opened my eyes I looked around and saw a lot of people standing over me, a ceiling and the walls, and I thought: What is this? What kind of confinement is this? Then I felt it in my body — my soul was in my body; but because of Baba’s most complete compassion, He never left me to feel how hard it is to have to come back into the body. When you go and die, you don’t want to come back. The love there is so complete, so beautiful, so powerful, and so real, you just don’t want to come back. Although I have five children, thirteen grandchildren, and my husband Jeff, I really wanted to stay there. But when Baba said, “You must go back, your work isn’t finished,” there was nothing left for me to do other than to open my eyes and know that this is what Baba wants.
So I stay here, but I always, always have this feeling, this experience of death. So dying for me was hard, but never, never could I ever fear death. Death is beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and you go Home and you know Yourself, and you know what you have been always wanting, longing for, and that is that purity and love of God’s Love, and becoming what it is that Baba has suffered and worked for as the Avatar. All the Avatars have helped us to get to know our self as God, and this is what I experience—who I really am; and then come back to tell my story and let others know. There is no reason to ever feel afraid of having the soul leave the body. The soul immediately goes into the pure white loving light, and you go home and it’s beautiful. So that’s the experience of the love that I have and live with all the time; it never, ever, ever goes away.
God’s love is so compassionate, that it is compassion itself, and as far as judging is concerned, all Baba would want to ask is, “What did you learn?” And if you need to learn something more, then you come back again, and you learn more, because Earth is the OM Point where everything started, and Earth is a school and we learn more and more about ourselves. As we learn, we come to know that our minds are very fickle, but our soul is of God, and that is our inheritance from God. To become God. We are children of God and we become Him. That is the beautiful part of knowing not to be afraid of God, because God is nothing but light and love. So you don’t have to fear Baba, don’t have to fear death, when you know that you are going to feel your own love — your own pure love, which is God.